My God has Answered with the Dawn- Happy New Year

Apparently, the whole world is glad that 2016 is over- everywhere you look there's a meme, blog, or status about how terrible this year has been. Some enterprising souls even turned 2016 into a fairly clever horror movie trailer.   

Based on social media, it seems like everyone will be counting down to the New Year with unusual gusto this evening. And honestly, I'm no different. 2016 was an incredibly difficult year for us as a family. We learned a lot, grew a lot, and cried a lot. It's been exhausting.

If you're wondering what was going on in 2016 for us, you can read about some of it here.  Suffice it to say, this year was a challenge.

October especially was a month of transition. On October 21st, the two foster children who had been part of our family for the last year and a half left our home to be reunited with their biological parents. While we were glad for their family's gain, we grieved for our family's loss. To us, these were not someone else's children that we had simply  been babysitting. We had fully embraced them as our own- knowing that they would most likely leave us eventually. Losing them has been the most confusing and painful event of my life.

Almost exactly a week after our foster children left us, our daughter was born. We had anticipated her for so long, and our excitement over her arrival mixed with the grief of our loss.

I think the general consensus from others is that our daughter's birth somehow made the loss of our foster children easier. I don't really understand that logic. The cries of a newborn can't replace the temper tantrums of a two year old. The gentle coos and smiles of a baby can't replace the laughter of a three year old. Joy for the arrival of one child can't erase the loss of another.

But, there is something her birth can do. It can serve as a reminder that God is faithful. Faithful to walk beside us in our grief, faithful to bring us through it, faithful to provide new joy in our new journey.

That's why I love our daughter's name so much.   Eliana Dawn.

Eliana Dawn

 Eliana (el-e-ah-na) is a Hebrew name that means "My God has Answered". Dawn (obviously) means the dawn of a new day. Put them together and you have "My God has Answered with the Dawn". 

Throughout the time we had our foster children, we knew we would lose them. And throughout that time, we prayed for courage to love them fully anyway. We prayed for strength to have them in our family and then let them go. We prayed for hope in the midst of pain. 

And God answered those prayers in an unexpected way- with the addition of another child. Eliana is our reminder that life continues no matter what losses happen. She is our reminder that God's mercies are new every morning, and His faithfulness is great. She is our reminder that God answers the prayers of His people; that He gives hope.

Eliana is our reminder that "Weeping may remain for the night, but joy comes in the morning." (Psalm 30:5) 

I don't know what journey you're on, or what pain you're hoping to escape. I can't promise that you'll avoid pain. It's more than likely that you won't.  What I can promise is that God will meet you in your pain and bring you through it. He'll send you reminders that He is faithful. That He is for you. That He is with you.

Your reminder may not be as tangible or dramatic as a new baby. It may be a Bible verse that just keeps popping up. It may be a friend who refuses to leave you alone in your grief. It may be a family (or church family) that surrounds you with support. It may just be a still, small, voice in the quietness of your own soul. But whatever it is, look for it and embrace it. 

Because God is with you in your pain. He wants you to know that this is not the end- it's just the beginning of something different than you expected. 

Because:

And your God will answer with the dawn. 

Happy New Year! 

The Sword of Mary's Soul- An Unusual Christmas Pondering

Christmas is almost here, and with it comes all the expected trappings. Lights, presents, busy stores, and the ever-controversial Christmas tree. If you travel in church circles, it also brings the beloved Christmas hymns, nativity scenes, and reflection on the birth of Christ. The nativity story has stood out to me in a different way this year. This year I've thought more about Mary than any other participant. And not the usual reflections of how startling it must have been when Gabriel announced Jesus birth, or how difficult the journey to Bethlehem must have been. 

This year one small sentence from Luke 2 has been standing out to me. It's after the journey to Bethlehem, after the crowded inn, after the shepherds have returned to their field praising God for the birth of Jesus. By the time this sentence shook Mary's world, her little family had probably moved into a more permanent dwelling in Bethlehem. She and Joseph were probably starting to build a life together with their newborn son. 

This sentence is spoken to her as she and Joseph are sacrificing at the Jerusalem temple. Jesus is just a little over a month old. They enter the temple, and an old man approaches them. His name is Simeon, and he has waited his whole life to see the promised Savior. He sees Mary and Joseph with Jesus, and the Holy Spirit reveals to him who Jesus is. Overjoyed, Simeon approaches Jesus and blesses him.  How thrilled Mary must have been to meet someone who recognized her Son for what she knew Him to be- the Son of God, the salvation of the world! How wonderful for Mary and Joseph to see that the words spoken to them by the angel Gabriel were also being spoken to others. It wasn't a hallucination; God had entrusted them with the Messiah! 

But then, Simeon turns and addresses Mary. "This child is destined to cause the falling and rising of many in Israel, and to be a sign that will be spoken against, so that the thoughts of many hearts will be revealed. And a sword will pierce your own soul too." (Luke 2:34-35) Right on the heels of this marvelous encouragement, comes what is basically a warning. A sword will pierce your soul. Nothing else. No details. No way to avoid it or lessen the pain. Simply a warning, a prediction. A sword will pierce your soul. I wonder how many times Mary thought about that warning. What did it mean? What "sword" can pierce your soul? What pain can be so deep that it feels like a stab wound to your very spirit?

 I wonder how many moments throughout Jesus childhood and ministry caused Mary to replay Simeon's words. A sword will pierce your soul. Did those words cast a shadow over her joy? Did they flit across her mind in the dead of night when she was comforting her baby? Did they keep her awake after her toddler son was safely asleep? Did she hear them again as she searched for a 12 year old Jesus, lost in Jerusalem?  Did she watch Jesus walk away the day He left her home for good  and wonder what those words meant? A sword will pierce your soul. 

My guess is that those words reverberated in her heart with every report of Jesus' adult life that came to her. As whispers of a plot to kill Him grew, as the hatred of the Pharisees became more pronounced, as the danger to Jesus became undeniable- Mary felt the shadow of a sword hanging over her soul. 

And then one day, the sword fell. Jesus was arrested, condemned, and executed in the most gruesome way. And Mary knew. A sword will pierce your soul. That sword was the torture and murder of her son. With everything else that Jesus was, He was also Mary's child. Her firstborn. Her miracle. His entrance into the world had shaped and changed her life. And now she was losing Him. A sword will pierce your soul.

 Mary's story tells us something- being used greatly by God will cost us greatly. God used Mary to bring the Savior of all mankind into the world. She was trusted by God to love Him, raise Him, and ultimately, to let Him go. She has a place of honor in the redemptive plan of God. But that place came at a high cost to herself. A sword pierced her soul, and swords always leave scars. 

But Mary's sword, the death of her Son, brought her the greatest joy and blessing- the salvation of the world. Including her own salvation. Bringing joy from grief, redemption from loss, beauty from ashes, is the divine paradox. It is our greatest pain that God uses in the greatest way. It is the swords that pierce our souls that bring us closer to Him, that God uses to shine light into a fallen world.

I'm sure you've experienced losses that have pierced your soul. If you haven't, you soon will. Here's the only encouragement I can offer you for when a sword pierces your soul: Allow it to pierce. Allow it to hurt. That pain will drive you to the feet of the only One who can bring you through it. And when He does, you will be stronger- stronger in your faith, stronger in your ability to love, stronger in your ability to trust. You will be able to say with Job "My ears had heard of You, but now my eyes have seen You." (Job 42:5)

God does not waste our pain. He intends to use it first to shape us, then to impact others and glorify Himself. That impact may be the ability to say to someone else, "I understand. It gets better." It may be an opportunity to share how God guided us through the darkest night of our souls. It may even result in someone coming to know Christ as Savior. 

The sword that pierced Mary's soul brought salvation to the world. God does not waste our pain- He uses it to sow redemption.  

7 Things You Should Know About Foster Care

My husband (Logan) and I embarked on our foster care journey just over a year ago. Technically, it was July 6th, 2015. That date will forever be burned into my heart and mind as the day my life changed forever. Everyone talks about receiving the phone call that changes everything. Well, July 6th, 2015 is the day I got my phone call. A dear friend called me while I was at work and gave me the highest honor and greatest challenge I've ever been given. She said that Child Protective Services was at her door and removing her children. They would allow her to choose a family member or close friend to care for her children, if she could find someone the state would approve. She asked me to come get her children so she would know where there were and who was caring for them. I told her I'd be right there, informed my boss (who was very understanding) that I needed to leave, and went to get the children.

That was a year ago. The children are now 2 and 1,(our biological son is 4) and this has been the craziest year of my life. Logan and I agree that we would do it again without a second thought, but it's been harder than we expected. There have been emotional meetings with birth parents and social workers, court hearings that didn't end the way we hoped they would, more red tape and rules than you could possibly imagine, and a crazy amount of both love and heartbreak.

Since starting on this journey, Logan and I have been approached by several people asking this question: "I've always thought it would be cool to be a foster parent. What's it like?" 

A question like that isn't easily answered. As I've been asked that question over and over, some thoughts have formed in my mind. So here's 7 things you should know about foster care before you start (or if you have connections with foster parents or children):

1. Foster Parenting Isn't About You
 While this may seem obvious, it can be hard to grasp in an experiential way through the process of foster parenting. It's not about proving how good a parent you are, it's not about fulfilling yourself in some way by helping a child, it's not about how "cool" you think it would be. Foster care is about one thing: giving yourself and your own family sacrificially over and over and over again for the good of another person. Don't expect a lot of "thank you's" from anyone- social workers, birth parents, or children. If you need someone to express gratitude for your sacrifice in order to be motivated to continue foster care, don't start in the first place.

 2. Foster Care Is About Families, Not Children
This is probably the biggest misconception people have about foster care. When they picture it, they picture having a great relationship with a child in need of a loving home. Sure, that relationship may start out a bit rocky (isn't that what all the movies show?), but after a little time and love, that child will understand how lucky they are to be in their home and will respond with changed behavior and love. Then everyone lives happily ever after.

Wrong.

The biggest flaw with this theory is that foster care isn't about a child only. It's about the family the child was removed from. The goal of the foster care system is to keep a child as healthy and happy as possible while waiting for a reunification with their birth parents to be possible.. The foster parents job is not just to parent the child, but to support the efforts of the state to give that child back to their birth parents. That means working closely with the people who hurt the child that's now in your care- after all, the child wasn't removed for no reason. You'll know the reason why the child was removed, you'll see the effects of the birth parent's choices and behavior up close and personal. And you'll be the one dealing with the aftermath of those choices day after day and sleepless night after sleepless night. And still, you'll be expected to sit in the same room with those birth parents, smile, and be supportive of returning this child that you've grown to love into their care. Even if you don't think that's a great idea. Before you start foster care, remember that it's about helping a family not just a child. And that family may not want your help.

3. Don't Do It Just To Adopt
 This goes back to foster care not being about you. Lots of people think foster care is just an inexpensive way to adopt. And it can be that. But most foster care situations don't end in adoption. In Utah, only about 25% of foster care cases end in adoption- and that's higher than the national average. Even the cases that do end in adoption, usually take years to get there. If your primary reason for  wanting to do foster care is to adopt, I'd highly suggest you not do it. There are other avenues you can pursue that would be better and faster (and not terribly more expensive) than fostering to adopt.

4. Learn To Bravely Love, In Spite of Impending Loss
 Opening yourself up to love a child  you know you probably won't keep is hard. It's a daily choice. And just when you've come to a place where it feels like this child has become an irreplaceable part of your family and loving them is as natural as breathing, you'll get a call. Or an email. Or an "invitation" to a meeting. Or a court date. Something that will remind you that this child is not yours, and will not be staying. And pain will tear through your heart. You'll have to stop what you're doing and focus on just breathing. On holding yourself together. Because if you concentrate on anything else in that moment, the shrapnel of your heart will fly in every direction and pierce everyone close to you. And when that has passed, this child will come up to you and ask to be held. To be loved. Everything in you will say to turn them away for your own sake. Because you need to put distance between you to stay sane. But the reason you started this was for the good of the child, not yourself. So instead you'll pick them up. You'll hold them close and sing them to sleep. They'll put their face close to yours and say "I loooovvveeee you!!!" and you'll say "I loooovvveeee you too!" because you do. And that's what they need- to love and to be loved for however long they have you. Then, later, by yourself, you'll cry and scream and pray for strength to do it again tomorrow. And by God's grace, you'll have that strength as He gives it to you. And you'll grieve the loss you know is coming, and then bravely choose to love this child anyway.

5. The World Is Broken And So Is The System
 You will learn through this journey how completely messed up the world is. How sin has ruined everything.  Part of that will be learning just how flawed the foster care system is. People whose job is to protect the children most affected by the sin of others will fail to do so. Decisions will be made that you don't agree with and that you have no power to change. You will be told what you have to do and whether or not you believe it to be in the best interest of the child, you will have to do it. You will be angry and hurt that the system is not working.

But underneath that, remember that there are people within the system trying their best. Their intentions are good. No one becomes a social worker, or a policeman, or a judge, or a foster parent because they want to tear families apart and hurt children. They want to help. They're trying to help. But the world is broken, they're broken, and so are you. Learn to make peace with a system and laws you can't control, and trust that God is working in and through those things, even if you can't understand how.

6. Be Ready To Break And Be Remade- Again And Again
Within a month after starting foster care, you'll be a different person than you were. The next month you'll be different again. And the month after that, and the month after that. Within a year, you will be unrecognizable, at least to yourself. Many of the changes may not be visible to others. They will be an inner understanding of the selfishness and sin that exist in your own heart in a way you never knew before. An understanding of how desperately in need of God's grace you are to live with and to love others.  A realization of how closely joy and grief can be mixed together, and how in some situations you can't experience one without experiencing the other. A newfound strength to both love and grieve radically. And most of all, the inner knowledge that maybe God called you to this because He has work to do in you, not because you're going to change the world (or even one person or family).  You will be refined. You will learn to pass through the fire and trust that God will not allow you to be consumed by it. You will learn to trust that those you love, like biological children you bring into the fire with you, will not be consumed by it either. And you will learn that:

7. God Is In Control
 The world is a terrible place sometimes. Children are hurt by people who should protect them. Moms are broken because someone committed unspeakable horrors against them, and now they act out of the only thing they've ever known- fear. Dads make bad choices because they've never seen a man stand up and take responsibility for their family.

But over and above that, Christ reigns victorious. And He is using you, your family, your choice to radically and sacrificially love a broken family, to bring about good. Good for you, good for the child, and good for the parents. Though you may not see exactly how, or understand all that's going on, you can trust that God is for you and He is for this child, this family. Even if He doesn't "fix" your situation, or it doesn't end how you think it should, God is using you to bring grace and light to a broken world. And He is using a broken family, broken system, broken world to break you and bring you closer to Him. And in the end, isn't that the whole point?